When I was younger, I had to have everything in order. Things needed to be the way I wanted them or I was a very uptight and unhappy person. I was cranky and sometimes unpleasant to be around.
I was known to fight the process as it was happening just to make it the way I wanted it. Sometimes, the fight had valid reasons behind it. Most of the time, though, the fight was solely based on my determination that my way was right and everything else was wrong or substandard.
Over time I learned to make my vocalizations about my displeasure less aggressive and obvious. Unfortunately, others around me didn’t feel any less uncomfortable. Apparently, they could see or sense my bottled up feelings and didn’t want to be around in case of an explosion (which rarely, if ever happened).
Stuffing my feelings seemed to only make me more determined to have things my way; it really did nothing towards making me feel better except that I did not have any guilt from snapping at someone.
As I got older, I learned to choose my battles and to let the other ones play out as they were destined. For the ones I chose not to take on, I was irritated and frustrated, and was certain that things wouldn’t work out as well as if I’d had my way.
And so now, the older I get, the less energy I want to expend on things that ultimately aren’t of major significance. I was raised to believe that everything needed to be done according to the perfect premise, and that I needed to be a champion for the ideal way of doing things; but that takes a lot of energy.
After a number of devastating situations of which I had no means of control, I learned that very few things are worth an all out fight for doing things my way. Most things work out well enough, as often, unforeseen circumstances exist which end up dictating the outcome anyway.
In recent years, I have finally decided to stop worrying so much about the process that I had envisioned and instead be a positive part of the process as much as possible. But it is just recently that I have found peace even in the midst of troubled times.
What is different now than when I was simply choosing my battles and not fighting less important ones, is that I have removed my ego from the process and I do not allow the situation or the circumstances to define me. I no longer believe that in order for me to be associated with something that I have to ensure that it follows some idealistic model.
In realizing that my worth is not based on the ultimate outcome of the situation but only on my own conduct I now can have a sense of peace about it all. Even if things don’t work out well, my consolation is in the fact that I did the right and proper things.
By adopting that outlook, even though I may be going through a tough time I can still find peace in knowing that however things work out God has everything under control. He expects me to rise to the occasion and give things my true and honest best.
I talk to God a lot more than I used to. It’s in those quiet times when I lay out all my worries and concerns, and admit that his ways are better than mine, that a feeling of peace comes over me.
Having a spiritual practice is important, but actually connecting with my creator is what provides the completeness that brings me true peace.
I bring this up today because a lot of unexpected things have been happening lately which I would have preferred to not happen. It’s easy to get frustrated, discouraged, weary, and dejected; all of which I have felt.
I am taking things as they come, and looking forward to the little pleasures in life. I plan to shop for some goldfish for my newly remodeled fish pond today. I will probably only get two fish to see how they do. Hopefully, the water temperature will be ok. The plants are growing, which makes me happy.
All the animals appear healthy. Bart’s arm is healing slowly from the snake bite. He lost a big chunk of flesh there but I expect it will grow back. We still haven’t found any snakes around the house.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.